Aren’t you tired of being nice all the time? If you want to create chaos at the table, these Commanders might be exactly what you need. They tend to make everyone else roll their eyes, moan in frustration, or both. It doesn’t matter how you build the deck sometimes. The second people see these names, they know what’s coming, and that might be part of the fun.
Tivit, Seller of Secrets
Tivit is probably the least offensive of the bunch, but it’s still a big, intimidating Sphinx that forces the entire table to vote. Nothing quite compares to the groaning that happens when you lay it down and start demanding democracy. Even though you’re just handing out Clues or Treasures, it can slow the game to a crawl. It’s worse when you realize Tivit votes twice. In my opinion, that double vote is a sneaky way to get even more from your “friends.”
Kaervek the Merciless
Magic is all about casting spells, right? Kaervek punishes anyone who tries to do so. Whenever an opponent casts a spell, Kaervek deals damage equal to that spell’s cost to any target. If you want to see your opponents panic every time they tap their lands, Kaervek can help. The best (or worst) part is you can direct the damage at creatures or players, so everyone’s constantly on edge. I believe that’s the point of calling him “Merciless.”
Gaddock Teeg
This little Kithkin stops your opponents from casting big spells or anything with X in it. That alone is enough to ruin a lot of strategies. With Gaddock on the field, any deck that relies on large noncreature spells is basically stuck. You might be playing some harmless small creatures on your end, but your friends are definitely stuck rethinking their entire game plan. And that’s if they don’t just scoop.
Grand Arbiter Augustin IV
Augustin embodies the Azorius “my way or the highway” vibe. He makes your spells cheaper and makes everyone else’s spells cost more. That single extra mana can push someone off curve and out of the game in a hurry. Chances are, if you play this Commander, you’ll fill the deck with other tax effects that turn every turn cycle into an agonizing chore for everyone else. It’s practically guaranteed to make you the biggest target at the table.
The First Sliver
Slivers. Enough said, right? They boost each other into absurdity, which is already maddening. Then The First Sliver has Cascade, and it passes Cascade on to every other sliver you cast. That means you’re getting two slivers for the price of one, over and over. Other players will probably give you side-eye all game, because you’re not just building a board, you’re doubling up on everything. It gets out of hand fast.
Sen Triplets
There’s a weird frustration in watching someone else use your toys. Sen Triplets locks a chosen opponent out of casting spells on your turn, and then you get to mess around with their hand. It feels personal. Even if you’re “just borrowing” a card, it sparks a level of annoyance that’s hard to convey with words. You might try to say it’s all in good fun, but chances are your opponents won’t see it that way.
Hokori, Dust Drinker
Finally, Hokori. Lands don’t untap during the untap step, and each player only untaps one land on upkeep. It’s painful. Games crawl. People get bored or irritable or both. Maybe that’s what you want, though. Maybe you don’t mind if your turns take forever. But be warned: If you play Hokori, your friends might end up scowling at you for years to come.
If you love being the table villain, try one of these Commanders. If you hate long games where everyone groans, maybe don’t. But hey, sometimes it’s fun to watch the table squirm. Just be ready to show up with a different deck if your friends refuse to let you bring these to the party next time.
