Greetings, dear readers! Wilbur here, broadcasting live from the hollowed-out shell of what used to be the Magic: The Gathering R&D department. Ever wonder what it’s like behind the scenes when the higher-ups suddenly decide to slash the budget? Well, buckle up, because I’m the last man standing—everyone else either got fired, moved on to “better things,” or is off writing Roseanne reunion specials. Which, hey, chase that dream, Mark. Chase that dream.
But enough lamenting my existence—there are still cards to design! Next up is Rivals of Ixalan (or was it Exelon? Eh, who can keep track?). We’ve got dinosaurs, we’ve got pirates, and apparently, someone said “Let’s throw in Mesoamerican flavor!” because nothing says Mesoamerican culture like T-Rex and a band of scallywags. But hey, that’s game design these days: If it’s weird, it just might sell!
Lightning Bolt 2.0—Now with Threshold and Costs Seven!
Let’s start with something simple, I thought. Lightning Bolt is a classic. Problem is, it’s too powerful for Standard. Easy fix: make it cost seven mana and tack on threshold just for good measure! Of course, we used to have a whole playtesting department to confirm whether that’s silly. But after the budget cuts? Ha! It’s me, Gloria, and some kid whose main qualifications involve fetching coffee and staring blankly at me.
Meanwhile, Over in Planeswalker Land
We also need a Blue-Green planeswalker for this set. My brother Saul suggested, “Just use Jace.” But I can’t just “use Jace,” because he’s not Green, and I’ve got higher creative standards than that… but then I realized: who doesn’t love a new version of Jace?
Introducing Pirate Jace—and he’s shirtless! Because if there’s one thing we know, it’s that sex sells. And for all you folks at home who think Magic: The Gathering is just for kids, you should know: half our players are over thirty. (Some wise soul in marketing insists our real demographic is 30-somethings hoarding cards in their garage, but I digress.)
Dinosaur Salsa: Because Millennials Love Cilantro… or Avocados?
In other on-the-nose design news, I give you Dinosaur Salsa. It’s an enchantment. Its mana cost has Red for the “salsa” part and Green for the cilantro (or maybe avocados—it’s all hipster-friendly produce to me). Its ability? Something about restricting attacks for creatures if they’re too big compared to your hand size, unless they pay mana or share a color with the Salsa. I promptly priced it at seven mana because overpowered cards ruin Standard—my motto is “If in doubt, bump it to seven.”
Gloria says it’s “too on the nose” for the Mesoamerican vibe and is strictly worse than some older card, but hey, better safe than sorry. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this business, it’s that you don’t want anything overshadowing Jace.
Innovation or Insanity? Let’s Shake Things Up with… Mummies?
Need a new creature? How about a Mummy (or as I like to call them, Mfo)? And guess what: it’s green now. Don’t tell me mummies can’t be green! It’s a new set, so we mix up the color pie, obviously. Its ability slaps a +1/+1 counter on any Mfo that enters the battlefield under your control. It’s a 1/1 warrior. And yes, it costs—you guessed it—seven. Gloria thinks I’ve lost my marbles. The new kid is outraged and suggests it should cost two. That’s insane. So insane that I put him in charge of R&D. Congratulations, kid. I’m outta here. I hear they’re making Pokémon cards shaped like ice cream cones over on the other side of the fence. Seems a lot less complicated than all this.
Did Someone Mention Snow?
Just when you thought we were done, somebody had the bright idea to bring back Snow mechanics from days of yore. So, sure, let’s toss that in. Why not? We’re apparently throwing everything against the wall to see what sticks. If we can do it at the ninth-best community college in Tula East, we can do it in Magic.
Complaints, Complaints, Complaints
I know what you’re thinking: “Wilbur, all you do is complain.” You’re not wrong. It’s cold, people break into my car, and there’s always some drama about traveling to Mexico City. Listen, if you can see the state of our budget spreadsheets, you’d be complaining, too. But hey, it’s not all doom and gloom—at least we got Pirate Jace in here, right?
So that’s life over here in the last corner of Magic R&D. Sure, we’re cash-strapped. Sure, we might be making questionable design decisions. But in the grand tradition of expansions that require double-takes, we soldier on. Until they drag me out of here in a box, you can bet I’ll keep throwing cilantro, pirates, and dinosaurs into sets that cost seven mana to cast. Because that’s how Wilbur rolls.
Until next time, remember: If it’s too powerful, just make it cost seven. Now, excuse me while I go prepare some avocado toast in honor of those millennials and finalize Pirate Jace’s shirtless alt-art. Good talk.
